


Pride

by corvidkohai



Category: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, M/M, Manipulation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-03
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-11-22 14:11:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20875526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/corvidkohai/pseuds/corvidkohai
Summary: Sephiroth and Cloud begin a toxic relationship, where Sephiroth finds nothing off limits that will help keep Cloud close. It takes Zack’s help and a few hard realizations to get Cloud out.Inspired by 100 Letters by Halsey





	Pride

When it all began, Cloud told himself it had to be a dream. 

He was many things, but important wasn’t one of them. Pathetic, maybe. Disappointing, definitely. Not to mention weak, stubborn, clumsy, and slow. There were plenty of reasons why he failed his SOLDIER exam. Just as there were plenty of reasons why he never should have caught Sephiroth’s eye. 

But the fact of the matter was that he  _ did _ . It still seemed impossible. More than one person said it was because of his pretty face, or the shape of his ass, but Sephiroth was paying sudden, inexplicable attention to him. He began requesting him for missions after that first one they happened to be on together. They had barely exchanged five words, and no matter what anyone said about his face, he’d been wearing his helmet the entire time. He wasn’t sure how Sephiroth managed to actually figure out which faceless trooper he was, but he did. 

The first time he called him up to his office, after almost a dozen missions together, Cloud, rather reasonably, assumed he was in trouble. Only to find Sephiroth wanted report from him, instead of the ranking officer responsible for the troopers. They did this a few more times before, after debriefing, he wanted to chat, which was something Cloud was given to understand Sephiroth just didn’t do. Then he was calling Cloud up for chats that didn’t start with mission-talk. Then it was meals in the cafeteria. Meals out of the cafeteria. Exchanging PHS numbers. Dinners in Sephiroth’s apartment that the man himself cooked, followed by conversation, or companionable silence while they worked or read. 

It was the most bizarre thing to ever happen to him. 

It was flattering, and did wonders for his ego, because Sephiroth never reached out to  _ anyone _ , but he was reaching out to  _ Cloud _ . He didn’t understand the why, what could possibly be drawing him, but he couldn’t argue with the fact that Sephiroth was paying attention to him. 

The closer he got, the stranger things became. Namely, with the other Commanders. As Sephiroth’s interest grew, so too did theirs. They each requested him for missions, appraising him quietly. The looks Genesis gave him said clearly that he was found wanting. He spoke harshly to Cloud, belittled him at any given opportunity, pointed out every short-coming. Angeal—he looked at him, strangely enough, with pity. Like he was a lamb walking into a lion’s den. He tried to quietly dissuade Cloud from being around Sephiroth, but he even as he did it, he seemed to know it wouldn’t work. It was more that he seemed incapable of  _ not _ trying. 

Because they knew what Cloud didn’t. The General had taken a shine to him, and that wasn’t necessarily a  _ good _ thing. The last person that had happened with was Genesis himself, who knew exactly how Sephiroth could be when he was enamored. He knew, better than anyone, what Cloud was in for. Only he had gathered that Cloud lacked the spine he had, and that meant things would end poorly for him. He was disdainful because his replacement was lesser. He was  _ loudly _ disdainful because he knew any direct attempts at dissuasion would fail and hoped that maybe he could turn the trooper off from SOLDIERs altogether by being terrible enough for the lot of them. Unfortunately, his efforts were tempered by Angeal’s softness. 

Cloud wouldn’t come to understand their protests for quite some time. Because Sephiroth was  _ terribly _ sweet with him. He spoke softly. He was flattering. He complimented, and cajoled, and said everything Cloud had ever wanted to hear. He touched him tenderly and looked at him like he was the only thing that mattered. It was hardly surprising that, when the offer was extended, Cloud fell into bed with him. 

And it all went downhill after that. 

It started small. Oh, the sweetness was still there. He was still so dreadfully tender that Cloud always forgot everything that came in the middle. But there were these little comments that bit—about how he was an excellent trooper, but of  _ course  _ he would never be a SOLDIER. How it wasn’t surprising he had no friends, but  _ Sephiroth _ cared, and promised to always be there. Naturally he wasn’t being promoted, but Sephiroth found his backtalk charming.  _ Of course _ he would never wield a broadsword, he was much too small and always would be, but Sephiroth loved how he looked. It left Cloud bewildered, because his feelings were hurt, but Sephiroth was complimenting him in the same breath, wasn’t he? Wasn’t it meant as a compliment? Of course it was, he ought to focus on that part instead. 

And that was what Sephiroth wanted, of course. To undercut Cloud’s confidence while ingraining it into his head that what mattered was what Sephiroth wanted, what Sephiroth thought. 

It was interspersed few and far between, so by the time the next instance occurred, Cloud had forgotten the last. The interim was filled with gentle touches and soft kisses and promises of love, verbal and nonverbal, and Cloud had a hard time remembering anything had ever been wrong. 

But the instances grew more frequent. Backhanded compliments became common. Sephiroth was hot and cold, cruel and caring in turns. He knocked Cloud’s confidence to rubble with one breath and raised it to the sky in the next. He was wrapping Cloud slowly around his finger, and the trooper couldn’t even see it. 

Cloud was beginning to feel on edge with Sephiroth, almost desperate for something, though he didn’t know what. He was afraid of all the little insults, tip-toeing around anything he imagined might trigger one, but there was never any accurate way to predict them. Sometimes Sephiroth was hurtful for no other reason than to keep Cloud from finding a pattern. But always, always there was that intermediary sweetness that blinded him, made him wonder if he wasn’t reading too much into things that weren’t there. 

What they all seemed to come back to was that Sephiroth couldn’t imagine that anyone would be interested in Cloud other than him. Of  _ course _ Genesis was rude. Of  _ course  _ Angeal was pitying. No one but him would take interest, Cloud couldn’t trust or turn to anyone but him. But  _ he _ would always be there, for anything, no matter how big or how small. He  _ loved _ Cloud, and he always would. 

And Cloud believed him. No one, no one but his mother had ever taken interest in him before. No CO, no cadet, no trooper. Certainly no SOLDIER. Not even another child in Nibelheim. When Sephiroth told him no one else would care, Cloud didn’t have any reason to believe otherwise. So he clung all the tighter to Sephiroth, for his attention and his “love” and his increasingly rare tenderness. 

Only, it seemed that every time Cloud sought him out, he was busy. He had time for Cloud, but only on his own schedule. He made pretty promises about always being there, but in practice, he never seemed to have the time. Cloud told himself that of course he was busy. He had an army to run, after all. He couldn’t be expected to be available at the drop of a hat. If he only seemed free when it was convenient for him, or when he wanted to be, it was because he reached out to Cloud whenever he had the time, obviously. They were already spending as much time together as his schedule allowed. 

Cloud had no romantic history. He didn’t know if this was normal or not. If it seemed a little strange to him at times, he told himself that dating the leader of an army would obviously come with time constraints. He told himself nothing about the backhanded compliments—because obviously, he was imagining such things. How could a few comments he clearly misunderstood outweigh the letters Sephiroth wrote him when he was away on missions, or the texts that filled his inbox?

He clung to those texts, those letters. He reread them every time he needed Sephiroth and he wasn’t there. If he had some inclination that he was an amusement to Sephiroth, something to fill gaps of boredom, he buried those suspicions deep. At times he felt like a science experiment, to have his reactions studied for the sake of curiosity. Like a doll or a puppet, taken down from the shelf in dull moments just to be put away again. But then Sephiroth would kiss those thoughts away and replace them with an “I love you,” and everything seemed alright, for a time. 

Angeal’s pitying looks got worse. Genesis grew more scornful as Cloud clearly fell down the slippery slope he had climbed free of. He had cut Sephiroth off early, before things reached this point. But now Cloud was more isolated than ever, clinging to Sephiroth as if for dear life, desperate to please and terrified of disappointing. It was pathetic, and Genesis hated the sight of it. 

Only, things went wrong with them, but started going right for Cloud and, shockingly enough, his new friend Zack Fair. 

As Angeal slipped further away, Zack clung tighter to his new friend. He needed the distraction. And Sephiroth was his friend too, sort of. Growing closer as they went. So it only seemed natural to befriend Cloud. 

Sephiroth said nothing about their friendship—to Zack. He said  _ much _ to Cloud. He discouraged it every chance he could, talking about how Zack would leave him once he grew bored, how he was only interested in filling a gap and would leave once he didn’t have that need anymore, that Zack would replace him, that he couldn’t trust Zack the way he could trust Sephiroth. It made Cloud a lot more hesitant about the friendship than he would have been otherwise. 

Zack, however, was never one to be dissuaded by hesitance. It helped that Sephiroth was on his best behavior whenever Zack was around; he had no reason to rush into his friendship with Cloud. If the trooper wanted to take things slow, there was no harm in it. It drew things out far longer than they would have otherwise. 

But eventually, they grew close enough that Cloud dared. It had taken him a long, long time to work himself up to it, but he dared. 

“Hey, Zack?” he asked over their monster movie, sitting in the comfort of Zack’s apartment. 

“Yeah?”

“I have a… question.”

Zack was slow about it, still watching the movie (he winced with a particularly violent on-screen hit, mouthing “ouch” as he did), but reached out for the remote to pause the movie. He turned on the couch to face Cloud. 

“Shoot.”

“You’re a SOLDIER.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And you have a girlfriend.”

“Sure do.”

“If she calls and asks to hang out, but you’re busy, what do you do?”

Zack looked at him oddly, but answered, “Depends on the type of busy. If it’s a mission, there’s not much that can be done. Same for a meeting, or a debriefing. But if it’s just paperwork, and it can get done later, I usually put it off and go see her.”

“What if you have a real close deadline?”

“Depends on the deadline. Mission reports are due within 48 hours but I turn those in late all the time. Something big, though, I’d just tell her I’m busy; she’d understand.”

Cloud paused, chewing this over. Sephiroth  _ would _ have more of those “big” deadlines than Zack. Maybe he was right about this the first time. 

Before he could even nod, Zack added, “What’s this about? Sephiroth?”

Cloud hesitated. Somehow, this felt like something he wasn’t allowed to talk about. That Sephiroth would be mad at him for sharing. But Zack had to know how busy Sephiroth was too. 

“I just—he seems busy, a lot. When I try to ask to see him. But it’s probably just deadlines and stuff. He’s the General, right?”

He said it with just the faintest edge of desperation, like he  _ needed _ Zack to agree. 

Zack paused, watching him closely. 

“How often is he busy with you?”

“Uh, most of the time. I usually just wait for him to text me, now. He always gets to it eventually.”

Zack’s eyes narrowed a hair. Because Sephiroth answered  _ him _ readily enough. He had no problem talking him into lunch, or most other things. He knew Genesis and Angeal had never had such problems either. 

“So what happens if you show up at his office?”

“I… don’t?”

“You don’t?”

“No? I wait until he says he’s free.”

Zack frowned this time. Not only did he just drop by Sephiroth’s office, he didn’t even knock before letting himself in. 

“Huh. Maybe you should try it sometime. He might be less busy than you think.”

It was Cloud’s turn to frown. He didn’t like considering that option, because that meant Sephiroth was ignoring him. But maybe it was a misunderstanding. He could try Zack’s advice. 

So he did. He turned up at Sephiroth’s office door. 

Only to be told, “I’m busy,” and have it shut in his face. 

Later, when Sephiroth brushed his cheek with his fingertips, he crooned, “Did you need me so badly that you came to me when you knew I couldn’t be there? You  _ are _ clingy. But that’s fine, I like that about you. I can see why others would be driven away, though.”

Cloud never turned up at his office again. 

He also decided not to ask for Zack’s advice again, in case he led him astray a second time. 

But, when Zack insisted on bringing him to meet Aeris, he went. He went, and he had his heart ripped out. They were  _ nothing _ like him and Sephiroth. There were none of the backhanded compliments that seemed so common these days. No undercutting, smoothed with tenderness. Nothing cold, or cruel, or even indifferent. Just laughter and smiles. There was the familiar sweetness that Cloud knew, but it wasn’t cloying. It didn’t smother. Just two people, happy to be around one another, at ease in their shared love. 

It made Cloud  _ ache  _ and he didn’t even know  _ why.  _

He paid more attention to his interactions with Sephiroth, and it was slowly starting to dawn on him that something wasn’t right. Aeris didn’t seem to be being hurt the way he was, even if Sephiroth always immediately put a balm to the burn he left. Aeris wasn’t having her self-confidence knocked out from under her in every other breath. She didn’t seem to  _ need _ Zack, the way Cloud felt he needed Sephiroth. 

Something was wrong, and he wasn’t sure how it happened. 

But he  _ was _ sure, now, that he wasn’t imagining it. 

So he resolved to try Zack again, just one more time. 

“Zack, I… have a question.”

Zack looked slowly up from his bowl of noodles, remembering the last time Cloud had said he had a question. 

“What’s up?”

“I don’t… know how to phrase it.”

“Simple works best. No matter how rough it comes out, we’ll work together until it makes sense, ok?”

And, see, that was already more encouragement than he got from Sephiroth.

“I think there might be something… wrong, with my relationship with Sephiroth.”

Cloud wouldn’t look up from his food, but Zack carefully put his fork down. 

“Wrong like how?”

“Like… he says stuff, sometimes, and it’s kinda… well, it’s kinda shitty.”

“Like what?”

“Like… like how stuff I do, or stuff I am, isn’t good, or drives people away. He always says that’s it’s alright, and that he loves me anyway, but he still  _ says _ it, and I don’t know, I’m starting to think that maybe, he shouldn’t be saying it in the first place?”

Cloud risked a glance up and, for once, Zack wasn’t smiling. 

“So he never has time for you, will only see you on his terms, talks down to you, and tells you it’s only okay because he loves you?”

Cloud looked back down. He shrugged. 

“I mean, it sounds worse than it is, when you say it like that.”

“Because it’s bad, Cloud.”

“And I mean, it’s not really talking  _ down _ , y’know? Just… pointing out the obvious. The stuff he says, it’s never  _ wrong _ .”

“Even if you’re right, and that’s true, and I don’t think it is—even if you are right, no one should be rubbing your nose in your flaws. If Aeris kept telling me I’m loud and hyperactive and talk too much, but it’s okay, because she loves me, I’d break up with her, Cloud.”

Cloud flinched at that. 

Zack reached out and took his hand, which was something Cloud realized Sephiroth had never done to comfort anything that he didn’t cause. He squeezed gently, but he might have been squeezing Cloud’s heart, for the way that it hurt. 

“I just…. maybe I’m over-thinking it. I’m probably over-reacting, right? Maybe I’m remembering what he said wrong. Or it came out worse than he meant.”

“Cloud, if it was just once, I’d say maybe you’re right. But this doesn’t sound like a misunderstanding.”

Cloud’s breath hitched on a shaky inhale. He ran a hand through his hair that trembled. 

“But it has to be. He can’t be doing it on purpose. Why would he do that?”

“Cloud, do you feel like a desirable person? Not like, sexy, necessarily, but that too. Do you feel  _ wanted _ ?”

“I… think Sephiroth wants me.”

“ _ That’s  _ why he said those things to you, Cloud. We all want to be wanted. And right now, you think only one person wants you. If he wants to be the only person you turn to, he got his wish.”

Cloud crumpled. He didn’t want to hear this. He  _ loved _ Sephiroth, and Sephiroth loved  _ him _ —at least, he thought he did. He didn’t want to question what they had, but what if they never had anything real to begin with? He covered his face with his hands, and his next inhale shook harder than the last. 

Zack drew him to his chest and held him tight. 

“You don’t have to do anything right now, okay? You don’t have to make any decisions. Just keep an eye out, alright? Really listen to what he says. If you don’t like what you hear, make a decision then. For now, just try and breathe, yeah?”

He didn’t realize until then that he was doing a very poor job of that, because he was now sobbing. 

But he took Zack’s advice. He paid more attention. And he didn’t like what he saw. 

Zack had been right. More and more, it became clear that Sephiroth was manipulating him. He didn’t know his motivations, the why’s and why not’s, but he knew what was coming out of his mouth. He knew that Sephiroth had some end he was working toward, and that he likely had never loved him at all. If he did, it was a sick, poisonous kind of love, the kind his father had for his mother, the kind he’d always been warned about, and he should have known better than to let it get this far. His mother would be disappointed if she knew. 

So Cloud stopped answering his calls. Maybe he should have had a confrontation with Sephiroth, but at this point, he didn’t think it was worth it. He wasn’t sure Sephiroth would really notice if he was gone, anyway. He was just some sort of plaything to him, after all. There to ease boredom. He wasn’t having it anymore. 

He didn’t answer his calls. He didn’t answer his texts, or his letters, or his invitations to go anywhere. But he couldn’t ignore a direct order to report to his office. 

“You’ve been ignoring me,” Sephiroth said the second Cloud was in his office, something dangerous glinting in his eyes. 

Cloud found, in a moment of reckless glee, that he didn’t care. Let Sephiroth do what he would; he was done. Wreck his career, demote him, stab him through with Masamune—who cared? Better to die standing than live kneeling. 

“I have.”

Sephiroth clearly didn’t expect him to admit it. He looked surprised, then briefly furious, before he buried it beneath a soft look of hurt, that once upon a time, Cloud would have believed. 

“Why?”

“Because you were treating me like shit.”

Sephiroth looked shocked this time, then as confused as he was hurt. 

“All I’ve done is love you.”

“No, all you’ve done is convince me that you’re the only one who will ever love me—there’s a difference. You got so deep in my head that, honestly, I’m not sure anymore if anyone else will ever want me. But I know I’d rather be alone than with you.”

Sephiroth blinked slowly, but betrayed nothing else. 

“Cloud—“

“No. Do whatever you want about it, Sephiroth. Put me on latrine and guard duty forever, dishonorably discharge me, run me through—I don’t care. But I won’t do this anymore. I’m never letting you touch me again, and if you do it anyway, it’ll be one form of assault or another. Go into whatever you do next knowing that.”

Sephiroth gave him a long, appraising look. He didn’t get a chance to come to whatever conclusion he was going to, because Cloud turned and left. 

He let him. 

Cloud didn’t hear from him for days. He was both glad and a little disappointed that Sephiroth gave up so easily—so much for love. 

But then his PHS blew up. 

Sephiroth texted him approximately every hour. 

“Please let me talk to you, Cloud.”

“I swear, I can explain.”

“Just give me one more chance.”

“Don’t go.”

“You’re breaking my heart.”

“Please, Cloud.”

“I’ll do anything you ask for one more chance.”

“All I need is to talk to you.”

“I swear we can sort this out.”

“I love you, Cloud, please don’t do this.”

It went on, and on, and on. Each text was harder to ignore than the last. The lengthy, handwritten letter begging for a chance and to be taken back was even  _ harder _ to ignore. Cloud clung harder than ever to Zack, who carefully said nothing about that fact. He did, however, hug him tightly and say how proud he was. He began the slow, slow process of teaching Cloud that he could be wanted by someone else from square one. 

It escalated. Cloud ignored the phone calls that came in. He shut the door in Sephiroth’s face when he showed up to the barracks, much to the horror of the boys he roomed with. He couldn’t, however, ignore the summons to report. 

Every time, he’d show up, and salute smartly—something he hadn’t bothered with in quite some time. Sephiroth would beg, and plead, and every time, Cloud would repeat the same thing. 

“Permission for to be dismissed, sir.”

Until eventually, wearily, Sephiroth said, “Granted.”

He tried, in a fit of true desperation, to ask Zack for help. 

Who had looked at him oddly and said, “Seph, I love you, but you treated him like shit. He’s in his rights. Let it go.”

Which had devolved into a spectacular “spar” that destroyed most of Zack’s apartment, and the little that was spared only survived because the quarters were too close for their blades. 

Zack was transferred to a lengthy post at Modeoheim—to rub his nose in everything that happened there. When Zack refused to beg for forgiveness, Cloud swallowed his pride and did it for him; he knew they had fought over him, as they had little else to come to blows over. 

“You want your chance?” Cloud said, the second he was safely in Sephiroth’s office. “You get one. In exchange, Zack is stationed back in Midgar, and only sent out on legitimate missions after. Deal?”

“Deal.”

Cloud gestured for him to go ahead, so Sephiroth leaned forward and said, “Cloud, I’m  _ sorry _ . I truly meant it every time I told you I love you, I just have little experience in relationships. The only previous attempt I had was with Genesis, and you met him. You know my childhood; I have never been well socialized. I was under the impression that the goal was to keep your partner close and not let them leave. I went about that wrong—I see that now. Please, let me try again. I will do better this time, and if I ever overstep, tell me immediately, and I will correct myself. I need you, Cloud. I’ll do whatever you ask. Just please, let me try.”

Sephiroth was not accustomed to being denied things. So many years out of the lab, he got his way any time he tried. Shinra worked hard to keep him happy, knowing full well the hell he could raise if he was so inclined. Especially after Genesis defected, when their fear of him doing the same skyrocketed, he was denied nothing. So being told “no” by a trooper grated, but he understood this wasn’t something he could order compliance to. However, if he was given a chance to pitch his reasoning, he never failed to get his way. He was highly logical, and very persuasive besides. 

And it was working. Because everything he was saying made  _ sense _ , and when they had first began, he made Cloud so  _ happy.  _ He  _ wanted _ to make things work again. 

But, while Cloud had little self-respect, he had an awful lot of pride. He didn’t tolerate mistreatment once he knew what it was, and he wouldn’t run back into arms that had crushed him. 

Still, it was terribly hard for him to say, “No.”

Which left Sephiroth blinking. 

“... What?”

“You heard me. No.”

“But I—“

“Sephiroth, there is literally nothing you could say that would change my mind. No matter how much you beg, how perfect your arguments are, no matter how much you may deserve a second chance, I’m still going to say no. Because _ I  _ didn’t deserve how you played with my head and my heart. I didn’t deserve it, and no one is going to stick up for me but me. So no. And while we’re at it, go to hell.”

Cloud turned and left the office, heart hammering in his throat. 

He leaned back against the door, a hand to his racing heart, and breathed slowly. 

He couldn’t believe he just did that. 

But he felt a small spark of pride in his chest flare into a bonfire. 

He finally did his mother proud. 


End file.
